Oxford Ding

I got the ding via email this morning. I was surprised by my reaction. I was actually RELIEVED.

Oxford was attractive to me for a number of reasons, and I knew I could get in. Oxford was my "safety" school. As time went on, I started to doubt my decision to apply there. Could I really live in England for a year, especially if my partner was unwilling to go with me? Would I really be able to learn enough in a year? Would I enjoy Oxford, given that I don't like London at all?

I wonder if I subconsciously sabotaged my interview. I wonder if I did the same thing with the Internet Services interview. If I am sabotaging my chances, why not just remove myself from consideration and spare everybody the hassle? Am I playing this weird game of chicken, wherein I express interest only to disengage during the interviews just to see how far I can get? What would be the point of this? To see how desparate the other parties are? Revenge, perhaps, for the desparation I sometimes feel/felt?

I used to be in recruiting, so I know what a good interview looks like. I didn't get my current position by giving a bad interview.

At some point, I'll have to figure out my motivations. In the meantime, I am still on the waitlist at Yale and doing everything I can to get off it. Maybe there's a part of me that knows that Yale is where I belong. I feel great when I think about going to school there. I feel great now.